Henry VI Part 2: All Treason, All The Time

Previously on Henry VI:

• the war in France is over (for now)! 
• the Duke of Gloucester and Cardinal Winchester hate one another! 
• people who wear red roses (the Lancasters) and people who wear white roses (the Yorks) also hate one another!
• and the pious, gentle Henry's going to marry foxy Frenchwoman Margaret of Anjou, who is having an affair with the sneaky Earl of Suffolk, who wants to control the kingdom via her influence (while also banging her).

Part I was a total slog but Part II cracks along, probably because the action doesn't keep jumping from France to England and back again. Also, I've figured out who's who and so long as I pretend that I'm watching a second tier television costume drama where everyone is too pretty by half I can just sit back and enjoy the insults. If I had realised that all the histories were were a bunch of devious, ambitious, increasingly desperate people being extremely rude to one another while wearing flash clothes then I probably would have started in on them years ago.

So - the war is over and Henry just isn't a political animal, so he glides around happily, remarking upon the beauty and wonderment of God's creation. Meanwhile, everyone else is trying to find a way to leverage the most amount of power while the king is busy picking flowers, talking to bluebirds, and generally being a pushover. I imagine King Henry to be a lot like lovely, gentle Pops from Regular Show:

to the point where all the brawling between nobles in the royal court ends up a bit like:

Things get exciting in the middle and it's treason-central:

• Mrs Gloucester, who would totally love to be queen one day, is punished and exiled for consorting with witches and conjurers. (Hint: while she might be a bit of a twit, it's a political stitch-up.) 
• Gloucester - honourable Lord Protector, Henry fanboy, and just about the only one not plotting a coup of some type - is accused of treason by Winchester, Queen Margaret, et al. and imprisoned. Most of the evidence seems to rest on the fact that Gloucester is a grump and his wife is dodgy (see above). 
• For fear of Gloucester being found innocent of all charges (because he is innocent of all charges), Winchester and Suffolk have Gloucester murdered in his bed. There's even a forensic speech on cause of death! CSI: Bury St Edmunds. 
• The king finally shows a bit of emotional depth and is stricken with grief, but that's okay, because Suffolk is banished then captured and beheaded by pirates, and Winchester comes over all funny (guilt-stroke?) and dies as well. 

The bit players get a good go of it too: two commoners are forced to have a fight to the death over whether or not one of them made an offhanded treasonous comment, and the drunk-but-actually-innocent one loses, thereby proving his guilt in the eyes of God. Justice for all!

In the meantime, villainous York - father of the guy who will eventually become Richard III (coming this summer) - is gurning to the audience as he soliloquises about all the treacherous ways he's going to become king. He is also given an army with which to quash an Irish rebellion. Top tip: don't give a treasonous nutcase an army.

So, basically, everyone wants someone other than Henry to be king, except for Henry, who is as oblivious as this dumb looking rock:

In fairness, Henry knows he's pretty crap at the job. He gets it right when he says Come, wife, let's in and learn to govern better / For yet may England curse my wretched reign.

Time for another uprising, this time led by an anti-intellectual ruffian called John Cade who wants to turn England into a socialist paradise and crown himself ruler. This is the best stage direction of the play: Drum. Enter Cade, Dick the butcher, Smith the weaver, a Sawyer, with INFINITE NUMBERS, all with staves. Apart from the need for infinity extras, these scenes are great - satirical, ironic and funny, unlike anything involving the king.

Things get very fighty, bloody and smashy for a while as Cade invades London, and everything reads like a violent Mel Brooks movie. Two noblemen are beheaded and their severed heads made to kiss. Comedy gold! Eventually Cade runs away and, half-starving, is killed trying to pinch food from someone's garden. He even dies obnoxiously, proclaiming that he only lost the fight because he was too hungry, so ha ha.

Act V: More uprisings! More treason! More intrigue! &c &c. York announces his claim to the throne. Everybody fights!

York and Team White Rose roundly beat King Henry's men at the Battle of St Albans. The Yorkists chase after Henry, who scarpers to London after Queen Margaret shouts at him to get a fucking move on or he'll be killed.

The End.

Verdict: I understand why people don't stage these plays any more. They are exhausting, densely populated and hard to keep up with. This is a pity, because they also have pirates, beheadings, ample parts for comedy troupes and some top notch snark!